Tuesday, September 21, 2010

breath, do, be

I am a girl who struggled w/ social anxiety and depression all throughout high school. & even into her early 20's. I am the girl who desperately tried to hide her anxiety,so others wouldn't think she was weird or weak.This is the girl who used to only feel comforabe when she was with her oldest and dearest friends, because she could be her REAL self with them (she still wanted to please them though). This is the girl that sometimes felt so incredibly down that she could not pull herself out of bed.But the next day she would wear a nice outfit and spend extra time on her makeup, that day she was "happy". I am the girl who needed to look and feel beautiful everyday, she needed a few compliments each day to get by, to feel validated. On days when she didn't look "beautiful" (or didn't feel beautiful) she was quiet and withdrawn, feeling she wasn't worthy of being liked that day, A girl who used to base so much of her "self" on her appearance. A girl who still struggles with this everyday, She feels happier when she looks "pretty"'(or feels pretty) this feeling is common, Whats less common, is the disgusting obsession she used to have with feeling "beautiful" This is the girl who used to hide all of her "imperfections" because she sometimes felt that she wasn't good enough to be liked for who SHE IS and NOT who she APPEARED to be. This is also the girl who stayed w/ her high school boyfriend for way to long.She did this even though his insecurities led him to be rude to some of her girlfriends, or at least the one's he felt he was competing with. What if she loved her best girlfriend more? This is the girl who felt sick to her stomach each morning at school because she didn't know how to deal with this. This is the girl who purposely "overslept" many many mornings so she wouldn't have to deal with these problems, She is the girl who stayed with him so long because she didn't know who she was without him. She used to blame him for how she felt. She finally realizes it was NOT HIS FAULT, she let him make her feel this way.She believes he was (and surely still is) a good, kind, and loving person. To this day she (even though it's been ten YEARS )regrets how she ended things; she regrets how much she must have hurt him, He had is own reasons for feeling and acting the way he did, we all do.This is the girl who's weight has gone drastically up and down over the last 8 years,ranging from 97 to 130lbs.(It is so hard to
admit she once weighed 130 lbs.) This happened because she would try to cover up her
feelings with food. This is the girl who just 7 months ago weighed 110lbs (now she is 97).
She was disgusted with herself, she couldn't fathom how her boyfriend could still love her
while she was "fat".Side note: 110 lbs is a perfectly healthy weight for her height. She was
confused about why her boyfriend treated her with the same love and respect he treated her
with when she was "skinny".She thinks this past year tested their relationship; it passed
with flying colors.This is the girl who is OVERWHELMED with joy that she found this loving
man and will have the pleasure of spending her enitire life with him.This is the girl who is
finally refusing to let her irrational fears hold her back any longer. She is willing to
pursue her dreams despite her fear of failure.

I am the girl who let out a huge sigh of relief when she finished writing this post.
I am the girl who hope's that this post will in some tiny way help someone else to escape
her ridiculous fears.
This is the girl who is greatful to "@madwomanmeg" for posting a link to this article on

She is greatful; it is the only way to be.

She is grateful to have found this blog, Single Dad Laughing.She is greatful that he spent 12 hours on his post.He inspired her to spend almost 3 hours on her response.I am a girl who feels like a very heavy weight has been lifted off her chest.
She has decided she hates the idea of Pefection.
Perfection sucks.
Excuse my language but, FUCK PERFECTION!

She is grateful that you are reading this.

What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?
- Robert H. Schuller


Becca said...

Wow. From the heart.
And you know...I don't have a lot to say, but I admire your honesty, and I can relate. Keep up the good work!

Diana Mieczan said...

Wow...I am so teary right now and so happy for you,darling! I love how honest this post is and full of emotion....You rock,girl!!! I am so proud of you:)
Hugs and kisses

Noodles and Waffles said...

Bravo! F*$% perfection!!!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Beautiful words from a beautiful woman. you have realized something that sometimes takes people a lifetime to learn!

Desirée said...

So real and true. I think every girl (myself included) needs to hear this one...

thanks for the inspiration

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I think if more girls read things like this they would realize that the best thing in the world is to be comfortable in your own skin.

Thank you for being so honest!!

Anonymous said...

Tears of joy run down my face as I read this. So happy my Baby has found herself and the joy of loving who you are.

Maggie said...

This is a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing this....I'm glad I sent you over to his original post. It sure is food for thought!

Valerie said...

This was so honest and real. I'm impressed with your ability to be so open and vulnerable in this post. And good for you for reminding us all that no one is perfect and we need to love ourselves the way we are!


Simply Life said...

Thank you so much for the honest post - wow, I love that last question...I'm excited to really think about it now!

Krystal said...

Oh my gosh, this made me all teary eyed almost. I'm happy for you.


I have goosebumps! Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It's beautifully written and so real and raw. xoxo

Claudz said...

Such an honest post. All sorts of emotions ran through me. Thanks for sharing
Well done for coming so far!